chris graffitti is so hot.

i cut my hair thinking it was going to change me. i haven't been myself lately.

at this point, i need to just surround myself with people i like being around. this week was full of work, which is going to continue for the next two weeks - but i just need to get through it.

winnie the pooh is a huge disappointment, but i'm still going to make the best of it. for me - and for lauren (because it's her first show ever).

acapella is a success thus far, we're singing next thursday night with the jazz band.

i have intense conversations with chris graffitti. he intrigues me. he's so different. i can't grasp whether i am ever going to be able to understand the person he is. none the less, i have a good time when i'm around him.

rich agro and i texted back and forth a little last night. i miss having a friend like him around.

the bassist in my jazz band is really cute, and i just noticed it this week. (the end of the semester). keep in mind there's only like nine of us. i just feel like everyone's true colors are starting to come out. and maybe i'm meeting all these people for a reason.

1)to replace the old (and not so loyal) friends.
2)as a reminder to be myself and start over.

i need to be strong. i feel so alone. i can't wait to see liz.

i want to be great. i want to be special. i want to be myself.

i know exactly what i want from life, but my biggest flaw is overcoming me lately.

i over analyze. i think too much.

i want to be more rash, more spontaneous.

everyone agrees - this semester, for some odd reason - that every professor this week came into class and was like "oh yeah, by the way write a million page papers and take zillions of finals"

today i slept so incredibly late. i'm such a lazy ass sometimes.

then i went shopping with mommy, got leopard gloves (im obsessed with animal print), two shirts and a little sweater.

then i cleaned my room, picked up lex - went to the xmas parade and fucking missed santa because he's a diva and took like two hours to ride down main st. on his damn fire truck. it was so fucking cold out, my fingers were numb and i wanted to cry. matt walked over to say hi to me, which makes him ten times better than the rest of the group who refrained from making any attempt. he was very awkward, said almost no words to me, and then proceeded to text me the whole night telling me how great i looked and how he was so mad at himself for being so awkward aka the story of my life. ANYWAYS, sarah sheehan met up with us, we got some starbucks, watched hairspray with my mommy and then lex and i went to rat's.

felt really awkward at first. felt - unwanted. but eventually i warmed up to everyone. chris gabriel is always a good conversation. i love joe amodei. and the seis minus tom scott was there, so it ended up being great - again. i couldn't stop singing tonight, i apparently booked a gig singing at sal's wedding. haha.

i realized a lot about jarett in the last month. he is one of the most grateful people i've ever met. he is very appreciative, and just loves to be in good company and make everyone happy. i really wish i knew him sooner, or knew him better. i have like the upmost respect for him.

and yeah. sal makes me laugh.

there are some people from high school that if i never saw again, my life would not change.

however, going to jarrett's last night and seeing "the seis", amit, and pam porzio was incredible.

(of course joey, jar and tommy included)

it was the best mix of new friends (lex, sal, justin) and old friends ever in the universe.

i felt at home. i felt in touch with myself. it just felt good. nothing changed.

i'm having fun this weekend thus far, however - i know that once it ends - i'm going to both regret not seeing a lot of people and just feel awkward about things afterwards.

wednesday night i went out to westhampton and went bowling with steph and her boyfriend tim, and i made three new friends - amy, shari and shelby. i love making new friends. i had a lot of fun.

then i went to brendan's for a little, and not a lot of people i knew were there. but kiel was there - which was a huge surprise and also a nice surprise. i knew that once we saw each other we'd kinda get back into the swing of things. oh man, he's really attractive.

yesterday was a really odd thanksgiving, but i definitely felt thankful for all the messages and realized which friends really care. i didn't eat a lot, but the string bean casserole was to die for. we stayed at my aunt diane's for a little bit and then came home to see some of my mom's family and eventually all have friends over.

the only thing that bothers me about going to my dad's family is - i feel like they don't really appreciate me and ryan for being artistic. like, granted smit gets a lot of credit for being the athlete of the world (this is not being jealous, im just stating truth). but ryan brought his cd, and i just feel like everyone should have given him a lot more credit for creating a band in february and then coming out with a self-produced album. and my aunt cindy is always curious about my theatre adventures, but no one really ever comes to see my shows. they always ask me when they are - and then they pass by. i get paid for almost every show i'm doing, i've come a long way. i just feel like they don't really see what i like to do as a career opportunity. have faith in me family, i'm making it - BITCHES.

anyways, sorry for that. it was nice to see my aunt liz and uncle chris - kinda weird to not see jamie, brian and the kids because of the family feud that's going on. and hey- DAN KELSKE came over with coll, and we watched charlie brown's thanksgiving. it was so nice that he came over, and he even stayed for a while. it's nice to see old friends and realize nothing has changed in your friendship. after that, ryan, smit and i all had friends over for dessert. it was really neat, good turn out.

i love how silly craig is and how much he loves HSM and Hannah Montana.

When everyone left, kiel stayed and we rented NORBIT and then watched tv until like 4:15. He's really great, i just wish he'd loosen up a little and be a bit more wild. He's very serious and sarcastic and sometimes hard to read. But, none the less cute and with beautiful lips. (odd compliment?)

i love boys. i love the way i act around boys (how im not afraid to say or do anything). i just love them.


i love being single because i can look at a lot of things differently, but i do miss being in a long relationship.

i was really happy with my guy situation a month ago.

for now, i guess i'll just have to be a pimp.


HAHAHA. that made me laugh so hard, i'm so gay. live it up, ladies and gentlemen.

i live such an interesting life.

i don't know what is wrong with me, but i have the hardest time making true friends. i can't think of one person, besides liz that has been completely appreciate of me, and there for me, and non-judgemental or anything. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if liz lived here. we bring out the best in each other. it's so apparent that we are so passionate about our friendship, how much we value it, and how much we love to be around one another.

lauren and steph are my closest girl friends at st. joe's. so far, since i've been there - they have really brought out the best in me, and so has maria (but she's not really around much anymore).

i thought my friendship with zina was gonna be a lot different.

but i realized a lot about that whole group of friends after a conversation with burro the other night. some people have their priorities mixed up, and some people are so dependent on friends they have had for so long, and don't know how to grow up on their own (that was not in reference to zina at all).

i just feel like i've always been such a good friend to everyone, and i've never really recieved the same treatment back from anyone... ever.

i don't really bother anymore. i really just need a vacation. the whole last relationship/friendship i had that didn't work out really made me realize a lot. i trust too easy, and that's how i get hurt. i just want someone to say to themselves "stacey's special, and i don't want to let her go".

i know i'm half-retarded, and i have a different accent every day of the week. it's not my fault. i'm just different. give me a chance.

i slept with him because i was vulnerable. i felt like something really good was going to come of it. but i guess i should have known better. he had just gotten out of a long relationship, and now i guess he's back with her. i put myself in those positions. i deserve it.

i miss james. i hurt him. i made one mistake, and he's never going to forgive me. i miss mike and mark. i guess i just hate confrontation, and i take it out on the wrong people.

in other words, i miss liz.

i think i should stick to hanging out with my brother and his friends. i really like them.

i really like liz. i love liz. i miss liz. she's my best friend.

FOREVER. <3

family shit galore during holiday season. i don't love it. everyone vs. aunt jamie/uncle brian.

i feel so bad for my mom.



on a better note, i didn't feel completely awkward last night. i hung out with lex and theresea. i barely notice that they are two and three years younger than me. it's nice to have some girl friends every once and a while.

my comedy group is getting so big. i have shows almost every weekend, sometimes more than one. and last night i did my first "george and gracie" touring show.. it was pretty cool. a little boring, but nice to put on my resume - plus i get paid. i'm kinda glad this month is going quickly, because i have been feeling very overwhelmed. i'm looking forward to december, getting winnie the pooh over with, finishing off this semester (hopefully with good grades), and onto christmas break. where i'm going to be going to fadely's on wednesday nights, partying it up with my new group of friends, working at the play house, and working on "violet."

AND OH YEAH, FUCKING FLOOOOOOORIDA :)

i'm so glad i transferred. it really was the best decision of my life. i'm so swamped in theatre goodness.

this summer i want to start a drama program at the playhouse, work at the casino, party, and audition for "doubt."

i have my life planned out until the end of august. please feel free to be a part of it :)

next semester goes as follows:

music theory
st. joseph's orchestra
chamber choir
opera
normal language development
nutrition

i'm gonna be done with my minor in music, done with my speech major, and done with my core.

so my senior year will be full of electives.

and next semester ill be teaching drama classes three days a week and getting paid for it.

over christmas break i'm going to start writing stand up material.

over christmas break, i'm going to be spending every morning lighting designing a show at the playhouse, spending week nights rehearsing for "violet", and spending my friday-sunday doing comedy shows / or my george and gracie tour.

college is passing me by, and i'm definitely getting ten times more out of it then anyone i know, so i'm proud of myself.

me and my three week fling just ended. i don't have time to worry about it anymore. this will just teach me to focus more, and spend every second i can on shaping my life.

when i graduate, im definitely taking a semester off and doing disney internship. i wanted to do it next fall with amanda, but it might not be a great idea. i should really finish school.

today is my best friend's birthday. :) here's to seventeen years of friendship <2


i love drop dead comedy. it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

i am officially going to florida in 52 days.

my boy situation is a little rocky right now, but none the less - i'm living it up.

i love the few close friends that i have. i have a full plate.

i love my family. congrats to ryan who put out his album, and congrats for smit for just being himself.



life is good. hardly any drama. i want to start writing stand up material.


encourage me.

it's my fault. i put myself in these sticky situations.

i finally found something or someone that was good for me, and im watching it slip right through my hands.

im drunk and living it up.

no regrets, only smiles <3

i keep making new friends.

i think sal/justin/devito combo is really one of the greatest things i'v ever discovered.

i finally feel myself.

i went to sleep at 8:00AM.

last night was one of the best nights of my life.

i finally woke up and realized what i've been missing out on.

i have the best secret in the world.

why do i ALWAYS let the bad outweigh the good? i'm so tired of this back and forth shit. i believe the same lies over and over. he never cared about me, and he never will. i just want to tell him how fucking stupid he is, but it wouldn't phase him. i am nothing to him. he can tell me he loves me. he can tell me he will do anything to get me back and he will promise me the world. but can he prove anything? NO.

it's all fucking bullshit. i'm being toyed with. it hurts. it kills. there's no way around it. i want him deleted from my life, for good. im so tired of having to deal with this. im beautiful, damnit. whenever i'm with him, i feel worthless. he brings out the worst in me. why do i still linger on the idea of even being next to him? i have a knot in my throat. im fragile. i just want someone to love me for exactly what i am.

why is it so hard? why is everything so hard for me?


GET OVER IT, STACEY. MOVE THE FUCK ON WITH YOUR LIFE. PACK UP HIS SHIT AND STOP DWELLING IN THE PAST.

so.

here i am, swamped in things to do, lines to memorize, and people to please.

as of last night, i just got cast in ANOTHER show. so as of this moment in time, i'm working on memorizing four different scripts, teaching two drama classes, vice president of the music club, co-founder of st. joe's first a capella group, working at the playhouse, and trying to maintain straight a's.

god bless my soul.

so, this new show. a-mazing. i'm really getting my feet wet, it's great. i went out to nassau county to meet up with tony in seaford (he runs my comedy group). he got me the audition, because he just got cast in it a few days ago. so, i read for four different parts (all in different accents), and the director immediately said "will you PLEASE work for me?" So now, im thinking he's gonna call me for a bunch of things in the future. it's called Plaza Theatrical Productions, and it's a touring theatre company on Long Island. So, i play the supporting lead (which is ten different characters), and it's a new genre of theatre that i haven't done, so im excited. AND I GET PAID. I'm moving up in the world of theatre. So, im on tour until february. I open in two weeks.

finally, im being recognized. this comedy group was the best thing that ever happened to me, it really brings out the best in me.

i like being busy.

i hung with justin this weekend, that was fun.

comedy rehearsal tonight and tomorrow, we open our new show on saturday. i'm so excited.

and plus, im going to see hairspray with steph and some kids from school on friday night.

it's going to be an amazing weekend. :) i'm loving life.

ps - matt is being a complete delight lately.

i guess you don't know what you lost until it's gone.

MY ROOM IS DISGUSTING, please remind me to clean it one day.

i hate being completely ecstatic about where my life is going, and still feel so empty at the same time.

there's so many opportunities in my life right now, and i'm not taking advantage of enough.

i want to audition to get into the comedy studies program at second city.
i want to audition and go to disney for a semester with amanda.

i love my comedy group so much. i think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. and yet, it's a big committment. everyone else in the group is an adult, with children... they have their set jobs... their SET. I have just begun my life, im a whole twenty years younger than all of them. this is an extra thing for them. i don't ever want to stop performing with this group, but i'm so afraid to take time off from it. i feel like im a really huge asset to the group, and not trying to sound too over confident, i think the stamina of the group would be a little thrown off without me.

so, it throws me for a loop. i don't mind taking off from school at all, i don't mind graduating late. i'm in no rush, because i'm learning so much, and im trying to really feed off of everything that comes my way.

i mean, wow. i'm already technically doing exactly what i want for the rest of my life, granted i'm making nowhere near the amount of the money that i will be. i'm teaching elementary drama classes, doing improvisation a few times a week for freshman, working at a theatre doing lighting, learning the different aspects of speech, i mean... i'm pretty much set.

but i want more. i really feel that i have enough talent to be doing greater things with life.

i'm "campus activities girl" for the music club, and founder (along with marianne and jackie) of st. joe's first acapella group. in a way i wish i started all of this last year, but at least i'm making the best of everything now.

everyone says "i can't wait to see you on SNL."

i feel like i'm going to disappoint everyone, and just be a drama teacher (which i have no problem with because it's what i want to do) but i want to PERFORM. but i'm not so much of a broadway person, i can't dance and don't have a "broadway" voice. I'll find something.

I still want to be a cartoon.

---------------------------------------------

so, school is good (minus art class bullshit cock sucker fuckwad). ive become a little celebrity amongst the freshman, i just wish that i was more well-known amongst everyone else. i guess... im important to the ones who make time to know me. being tigger is super fun, i love lauren shaw, she's really making my year great. music club/acapella will keep me super busy/involved. my new comedy show premiere is next weekend, and im fucking hysterical. i just wish more people (my friends) came to see me, so im gonna have to book something at the school.

matt is fucking stressing me out. homecoming sucked, minus seeing sweda/carluccio.

i'm ready for what life brings. so many old friends have been asking me to hang out. and i feel like i come off as so shady to so many people, because im not as spontaneous as i should be. i need to get out more and socialize.

yeah. thats what i need.

art as communication ... blows.

i want to get half of my body sewn to liz's. omg ew thats so weird. i just made myself laugh so hard.

I can always rely on my mom for some sappy birthday card.

I normally don't read too far into them. They normally say how beautiful and wonderful i am, so i just skim through it, and then toss it.

I was just organizing my room and i came passed this years' birthday card.

This is what it says :

LOVE YOURSELF
make peace with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

TRY.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping stone.

BE HAPPY.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you're going is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time.
and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL life...
The kind of life you deserve.



------------------------------

Holy fucking shit. I love my mom.

it's nice to just get away. i've been fortunate for the last four or five weekends to always be away from home spending time with good friends. my casino weekends were tons of fun, and i really love all the guys here at james' school.

i am dissatisfied with so many things right now. i want to reach out to old friends, and apologize. there's so many things i wanna say to so many people.

my main group of friends from high school have been so flaky. i barely talk to anyone anymore. i mean, like... it's a slap in the face when when of my "best friends" comes home from school for the weekend and doesn't even call to say "lets get together for a quick lunch"...it's pathetic. I have done so much for so many people, and this is how i'm repaid. i'm really upset about it.

homecoming has been one of my favorite events ever... for so long. this year i dont want to go. i dont want to see all of my "friends" having a good time, and feel completely out of place/ignored. I dont want to see Matt either be obscenely nice thinking i'm going to change my mind / try to make me "jealous" and ignore the shit out of me, just to show me how it "feels." i just don't want drama, and if matt and i are both there, i can't imagine it being a good time. it still kills me. i think about it way too much. i dwell on the past, completely... but i have been surprisingly strong about it recently. thank god that i love school/work so much, because that's what keeps me going, for real.

james is a great friend. (and no james, im not just writing that because i know you will read it).

i love jazz music.

so, i have to help both the sophomores/seniors with their skits this week, should be interesting.

marianne cocco and i are starting an accapella group at st. joe's... should be good times. it's so scary that im a junior, by the way. i'm nowhere near ready to be grown up. i'm so insecure. i feel very unappreciated. i feel like i don't really get enough credit. i'm a great friend, and WAS a great girlfriend. i'm sure of it.

maybe i'm better off. i still just don't know. i really liked having the opportunity to make someone happy, but i don't want to jump into anything for shits and giggles. i'm so fragile. i have serious trust issues. i feel like i'm being so shady lately. kiel has an interest in me, and that intrigues me to the max, but i'm so unsure about everything. i guess i will just have to live life and take what comes to me.

i'm super annoyed with friends. i miss my mom. today im playing baseball/getting drunk/BBQing with the boys. :)

i'm so excited to see ian, amy and possibly amanda sardinskkkkmeister on sunday.

make me feel beautiful, damnit. ugh, i need to lose weight.

it's true, i love school.

I love starting my day off with jazz band. I have come along way on the soprano sax. I really enjoy playing it, and i'm so excited because i'm featured in Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" for investiture next week. Hooray! So, I think Shakespeare might be my favorite class. I have learned so much about myself and relationships. Odd. I ate lunch with Tara today, she's always dependable for a good laugh. I did a scene from "Doubt" with Andrea in acting, and i think it went over well. Then i had a meeting at Sister Grace's for Spotlight on Children, this non-profit organization where i teach little kids theatre/crafts/playing. I'm so excited, i start on Monday. And finally, comedy rehearsal. Whatever mood I am in, my rehearsals always cheer me up. Hands down the best feeling in the world. Brett Campbell read for one of our parts tonight in hopes that he's going to join and be a part of our cast. He did so good, and im really excited to have another young soul in the group. I think it will be a nice mix.

I'm off to manhattan college again for the weekend. I have a comedy show on Saturday, and finally THE BROADWAY FLEA MARKET on sunday :)

Things are so awkward with Matt at this moment in time. I don't know how it has come to this, to the point where i can't look at him or thinking about him without wanting to cry.

This is how i see it: I'm not going to flat out say that the reason we are how we are is all his fault. The reason we broke up is because he woke up one day and decided to stop caring. He would say and do anything with no regard to my feelings, and he just completely changed... all around. The moment he realized that he was making a mistake, i took him back. But then, it was just a sick cycle. He did something without thinking, i cried, he apologized, i took him back... etc. It came to the point where he actually started to make the effort and express to me how much he loved me... and i couldn't handle it. I abandoned him. I became completely and utterly psychotic about the whole thing. I wouldn't let myself believe a word he said. I tried to finally stand up for myself. And the more I was finally doing something for me, i was hurting him.

So yes, I take partial blame. However, he has said more hurtful things to me than anyone else i have ever met, and for that i can not forgive him. At this point, there are so many factors of why i can never be with him again, and that's ok with me, because i have learned a lot. I am a very giving, loving person... and if it's selfish that i want a little affection... then i'm selfish. It's pathetic that the year and however many months i was with him... i never felt beautiful.

I am beautiful, at least inside. I was taken for granted. I never want to feel that again. I'm fucking special.

(sorry for that)

art was fucking miserably boring today, and sociology was semi just as bad ... aka i hate tuesday/thursdays. work at the playhouse was ok, i tried on my obnoxiously large tigger costume. yay me.

mike came over to snuggle and watch movies. it's nice to chat with him. he's wonderful. ps the movie hot fuzz is hysterical.

i'm so frustrated and confused about so many things. and i can't write about it without it not making sense. i need to collect my thoughts more.

I'm laughing as I write this because more and more i realize how awkward / psychotic i am.

And so I'm the equivalent of a person with three morning cups of coffee. I'm instantly awake.. and moronic.
Today my band teacher told me that i was "special" and needed help. He was joking, but it was still really funny to hear him say it. I never shut up in my band class, good thing I can back up my being obnoxious with actually playing well. I think everyone gets a kick out of my nonsense rambling about how we should each become an instrumental pokemon or how we should dress up like genies and play aladdin. I just... whenever i have a thought in my head..i say it out loud. And yes, it always ends up being something a little more than retarded. PS - i really like everyone in my jazz band class. Quiet or not, they all laugh at my jokes. (haha, im so gay)

My Shakespeare class is absolutely phenonmenal. My teacher is borderline psycho like me... and i really enjoy his style of teaching. He is way over the top, and says the most hysterical things. I've never been so amused by a teacher. He's so real, and i'm beginning to take in everything he says about Shakespeare's beliefs and utilize them as my own. Odd? yes. Like, it taught me so much about the female/male psyche and how men are constantly changing their minds and how women want too much out of everything. It's so true.

And one thing he said, i thought was so true... and it's horrible for me to admit. He said that there are certain girls out there that have tons of guy friends (obviously me, because i cant stand bitches)... and they unintentionally become really close with all of them because they learn to be themselves and become accepted and deep down (not knowing, of course) they really have all these friends so they can (i repeat, not knowing)...test them and pick out the one that best suits them. It's so odd, but I hang out with all guys, and i do kinda think about the different traits about each one that i like. Strange..


I think perhaps I'm too nice too often. Can that be?

Acting class was sick. I love Lauren Shaw / Sister Grace. Anyways, I think the class seems a little intimidated by my experience, but sister grace always makes me go first, and then no one ever wants to go after me, but i'm really just trying to make everyone feel comfortable and let them know that it's ok to be stupid and look ridiculous. i do it everyday.

And so I had to stay after today... me, lauren and jb had to improv / recite monologues for one of the freshman seminar classes as like an introduction to the playhouse. I'm pretty sure I frightened everyone... although i had a great time reciting my "Mrs. Peterson" monologue and doing an improv with their teacher as Ms. Swan.

:) so, i just took a coma. I'm finally awake, and ready to start homework.

I just glanced at the three most recent journal entries... what the fuck. I went from physically not being able to frown because i was always so happy... to depressed, worthless monster. It's funny how one person can change your life so much. I always thought that i was a strong person. I am not. I'm one of the weakest. I let everything get to me, i worry, i think too much, i'm sensitive.

I'm gonna go ahead and say it was the worst summer of my life, hands down. Sure, I had my good days... but there were so few. Camp for me this year was not as rewarding... plus, i make zero money. My show went well, i got an amazing review for such a bit part. I met a lot of great people (ryan's friends, centereach friends) and even got together with some old friends (amanda, justin). But, all in all.. i have lost so many friends because of my relationship with matt. I focused so hard on fixing things with him, that my family lost respect for me, (i lost respect in myself), and i became unattainable as a friend. I didn't want to talk to anyone. So many friendships went out the window, however... a lot of the friendships proved to be complete bullshit. A lot of the summer... no one called me. Shit happens. I have my family.

My birthday was alright, my comedy group has been great, i got cast as tigger in winnie the pooh christmas musical, and i made a lot of great new friends at manhattan college.

PS - this is my attempt to start daily postings.

I went out to lunch with matt today. I don't know if it was the biggest mistake of my life, or if it was needed to prove to myself that things will never be the same. I still wonder what made him change into the person that was not afraid to disrespect me and ruin me.

I have to post some casino stories tomorrow.

cry cry cry cry cry cry
miserable miserable miserable

the only fucking words in my life right now.

i really need to start over.

everyone walks all over me, and im fucking tired of it.

i have lost everything, including myself.

i'm a witness of watching myself waste my life away.


severe depression. it's not like me. bring me back.


someone please - bring me back.

for the first time in my life, i want to be alone.

i know what i should do, but i can't.

i am a giver, and i never recieve. it's very unfortunate.

for the first time, i was excited that it's that time of the month for me.

i was actually nervous about the possibilities that could come if i didn't get it within the next few days.

i dont know what i want anymore.


i wish i could start this year over.


every night i sit in my room, alone. waiting for someone to call.

a week ago, wednesday i went to fadely's with jordo and liz. it was a lot of fun, ryan's band gets better and better every time i see them.

thursday, we woke up and went out to deer park. we hung out there for the day, met some of the boys, played some hockey, then i dropped off liz and jordo at liz's aunts, and headed home because i had work.

friday, matt and i got together. i cried hysterical, there was screaming... it was kinda a mess. i told him how i felt about out relationship, and it ended with him telling me he just needs to time to change and prove himself. then, we rekindled some of our physical love. i'm not sure that was the best route, but it was taken. friday night i went to work, and it was blah.

saturday i went to my cousins' communion (which i totally just fooled around with my six year old cousin the whole time), harrison (liz's cousin) dropped off jordo and liz, we met up with zina and they all camte to work with me.

after work, i had a party. dramatic night. some hookups, some beer pong games, some picture taking... some trouble i got in. but it was fun, and it was the first time liz and i partied together. it was... interesting.

sunday - me liz and jordo went to the city. so much fun. we were like a comedy trio. we saw chicago with joey lawrence, ate, went to the seaport, got chased by a street performer... great day/night.

monday - i went out to deer park for the day to play hockey with the boys, while jordan and liz went back into the city. im actually getting a lot better :) after that, sean and i picked up the girls from the babylon train station, picked up lou and hung out for a bit. then i went to rehearsal and pas, seth and kim picked up liz and jordan and they went to friday's. i met up with them afterwards, we attempted to go see danny/matt d play hockey and failed, and then just hung around.. went to sleep fairly early.

yesterday we made our rounds, went to delfiore's, visited liz's family, went out to dp to say goodbye and get ices with danny, sean and matt d... and then i brought them to the airport.

it was really depressing. liz is and always will be my best friend. she has been the only girl friend i have always truly had. i could never get in a fight with her, and i love her more than anything. i miss her. i wish she moved back to new york, she's meant to be with me. and jordan i really learned to love. she was hysterical, we were like two peas in a pod by the end of the week.

it's sad. i went to matt's after, (i love to drive all of the sudden)... i had a slice of pizza, came home and passed out.. and then matt came over late, and we had some late night love. we snuggled and he said the kindest words to me, and i know things are gonna work.

i'm officially half way done with college. how scary is that?

i've been in and out of deer park lately, saw liz and met jordan (aka pumped), got into the groove of spending every second with zina again...

and i saw matt today for the first time since he's been home. i'm not gonna lie. i wasnt very talkative. i didnt mean to seem unfriendly, but i wasnt really sure what to say.

i dont know if that was a good move on my part. i've been very good about sticking to my guns, but seeing him made like 10000 thoughts come to my head at once.

weird. i dont know what to think.

rehearsal/fadeley's tonight. dp tomorrow. work friday. party saturday. city sunday... whatever is left monday and tuesday.

:) excited.

the last week of my life has been all mixed up.

with a full course load, all this depression, and three shows this semester... i think im gonna come out with straight a's. that, to me - is incredible. i pat myself on the back.

im happy when i go to school, even though i dont have many friends there that i hang out with outside of school... there was a point in time, when i was really into zeta that i went out with school kids.. and i liked that, hopefully the close friends i do have from school will invite me out during the summer. i hate that the best friends ive made there just happened to be all seniors.

zina has proven to me to be one the best friends ive ever had. she always cheers me up, and even though she knows everything about my life, she still loves me. i never have a lot of close girl friends.. but she is one of the truest, besides liz and even gabs.

i have been hanging out with sean and all his friends a lot in the last two weeks. i love going out there, its really a vacation for me.

his friends are really nice to me. matt d, especially. and dana and nicole are really great... not saying everyone else isnt.

the first weekend was legit drinking at this girl steph's house. then sean drove seven of us drunk in a mini van.. last weekend sean had a party and i was toasted on malibu. monday night i went bowling with sean/matt d.

sean is one of my favorite people in the world, even though i make fun of him like everyday of his life. we go through spurts of hanging out, which is nice - he understands im busy and i have mad shit going on... but its nice to go out there when i can. everyone is relaxed, they bowl and play hockey, casually drink and just chill. im excited, im gonna go out again on friday and party it up. it's what i have really needed. not drinking, just hanging out.

liz is coming in less than a week with jordan... zina and i planned an itinerary today, im so fucking pumped.. my best friend in the fucking universe. the four of us are gonna be attached at the fucking hip for a week.

matt is coming home late tonight.. i probably wont hang with him for another week. thats probably good.

peace.

the last nine and a half months of my life.

... gone, thrown away, wasted.


this has been the worst pain i have ever felt.

i trusted and i loved... and i got shot right in the heart a thousand times.



i guess this is the end of the sleepless nights, getting sick, and crying everyday.


i don't trust anyone anymore. i don't want to be with anyone for the rest of my life.
fuck this shit. i am done.

all matt did last night was beg me to break up with him.

"im sorry for everything i've done. i'm a big screw up and i know it. I ruined your life and mine. I'm sorry there's nothing i can do now other than apologize. i fucked up."

"telling you this isn't a way to get you back. it's a way to make me finally realize and finally learn that i'm a horrible person"

"im sorry for the tears and misery i put you through. im sorry i just wasted nine months of your life. i know i did. you deserve much better and i deserve shit."

"i do and will always love you"


... so what is that supposed to make me think? he tells everyone at school everything. i bet they've formed not so nice opinions of me... but there's three sides to every story. his, mine, and the truth. so anyone can form any opinion they want based on my love life. go ahead. humor me. but what they don't know is how i have done everything in my power to make this work, tell him i love him everyday.. and i recently just sent him a letter/package thinking he would finally snap out of it and everything would go back to normal.

... the last three weeks the only words ive heard out of matt's mouth is "i'm not me. this place has made me a monster. i'll be fine and things will be perfect when i get home"


the only conclusion i can lead to is... that his feelings changed for me, and both he couldn't admit it and i couldn't accept it. but if someone can stop loving me with all that i do, it's crazy for me to think it was even worth it in the beginning. it's going to be fucking hard. i already am suffering a lot of the repercussions. i dont want this.

but i guess i dont really have a choice anymore. i'm going to pack everything up of his and that reminds me of him and put it under my bed. it's going to be almost everything in my room, but i just can't deal with this heart break.

i want to run away. i want to move. i'm so depressed.

this journal is my life.

don't read this journal and make judgements.

theatre is my calling.


i am meant to be on the stage.


i am meant to make people laugh and smile.


i am so sick of the person i have become that the only thing that makes me smile is being someone else.

im so fucking frustrated

im sick and tired of managing this relationship by myself.

i hate jmu and what it did to my best friend.

i fucking hate everything right now.

i never did anything wrong. i know i didnt

battle of the bands was fun. i love becky, danielle, mike meyers, and mike aquino.

of course 3 of them are graduating.

matt and i are back together. things have just been frustrating lately, with him being away and being stressed.

i love him. im so glad things are looking up.

:)

im so miserable.

i can't sleep anymore.

it could all be so easy, but some people unintentionally make it so difficult.


i over analyze everything, but it's rare that i'm wrong about these horrible feelings.


i need to fucking lose more weight.
i want to throw up every time i look at myself in the mirror.

thank god for my comedy group. sometimes i just need to laugh..

so, edan and i had good hang times this weekend. i saw pippin twice, the only time i smiled this weekend. i'm such a pat-med groupie, it's ridiculous. i just feel so important when i go there, i love the feeling.

i love sweda. i love reich. i love randazzo, need i say more?
and yes, megan allen called me out in the middle of the show and asked me to leave because i was singing too loud (hysterical)... so i walked out and got applause.

im proud of my babies.

thats all im proud of right now.

i'm sick. physically and emotionally. i just want to be me again

today was one of the most miserable days, and yet i am so inspired to restart my life over.

i have always had a million friends.

and today, being the most upset i have ever been in my life, depressed even - i had no one to call.

there are people that have proven to be there for me, but those are the people i rely on too much.

i thought i had a million friends. today i realized, i dont.

i have aquaintances that enjoy my impressions, that smile at me, that claim i'm different than anyone else they've met. yet, i get punished with not a soul to call, when i'd rather be dead than alive.

now, maybe im overexaggerating, but today i sat in my car for FOUR HOURS... (no exaggeration there)... at holtsville park, in the parking lot... and i caught myself talking to myself... yelling at myself... why i could be so naive, why i could be so dumb and let everyone walk all over me. i always thought i was such a strong person. i'm weaking, im overly sensitive, and i give in way too easily.

why?


it's so frustrating to spend an entire day crying..

i just dont understand what i do to deserve this. that's all im saying. i'm depressed. i finally know that im using that word correctly. one minute i can be smiling and the next, for no reason at all i burst into tears. im not happy, for whatever reason. i have so much going for me, so much to be content with... but im not. i want to start from scratch.

matt loves me, i know he does. i just have to find a way to prove it to the world.


today i broke down. i said stupid things, and i acted in a childish manner... and it was because im fed up. and i didnt know how to show myself that things could get better.

i have to pray. i just have to pray.

this weekend should be interesting.

next week should be interesting.

the rest of my life should be interesting.

i have learned a lot about life in the last month.

march madness is a great title for the basketball tournament... and my busy life.

between my comedy shows, the murder mystery and barefoot i was almost dead.

i made some of the best friends ive ever made in the last month.

through them i have learned a lot about myself and life, both good and bad.

and zina has really been there for me recently, which is nice. oh, my life.

so, matt and i are on the outskirts... well, not us, our relationship. him and i are fine, we're talking - trying to work things out. it came to the point where i just needed a break. just from everything. last weekend was supposed to be great, and it fell very short of that. i think a lot of it had to do with bad luck, but either way.

i have been getting physically sick. my emotions have been getting the best of me.

i love matt, and i cant imagine life without him. but being so young and involved in so many things, trying to maintain a relationship is not an easy task. i feel like things have just changed, and im not giving in and settling for anything less than perfect (how it used to be)... so until the both of us can make changes, this is how its going to be, unfortunately. in a way i feel relieved, that i finally stood up for myself.

today i sat down by the water and thought about ... a lot.
the cast party last weekend was fun, i drank with zina for the first time, which was quite an experience... also, with lew shan krupp beck jimmy and whoever else was there.

tuesday night i went to the ranger/islander game with sean and nicky t - mad fun.

last night i hosted my first alcoholic party. beer pong table and all.

me, zina, jimmy, edan, bobby, lew, lew's friend chris, beck and krupp.

so much fun. bobby and i are good pong partners.

those people are now a huge part of my life. it's not dramatic. it's mature, and i love it.

thank god for people like zina, sean, and smit to keep me sane.


what's the verdict? guilty or not guilty?

im gonna lose twenty pounds, grow my hair out, and show everyone what's up.


... ok, bye.

its comments like this.... that make life so special.


jim mcgrattan told me he needed to tell me a secret.. someone i rarely see... an occasional library viewing....


XbridgeXafireX: i just wanted to tell you that you are the coolest most amazing person of the female gender i have ever met over the entire course of my life

a year ago i was on a plane to las angeles.


oh god how i miss gabby and good weather.

i love my little brother more and more everyday.

i keep making new friends.

i am confused about some things, but am enjoying the way im living my life.




i love being busy.

i need to elaborate more.

so christmas break had it's ups and downs. matt and i were on and off, but it clearly ended up being lessons learned for a long romance.

zina has been one of the best things that's happened to me recently. my friendship that i developed with her, and strengthened with mary and kaitie has been sweet. those are my dreamgirls.

i love maria, but i feel like she's changed. she never seems like she wants to be around me anymore, but i always call her and ask her to hang. i feel like she grew out of me.

i got cast as the mother in barefoot in the park, (hell yeah) and as the slutty maid of honor in our school's murder mystery.

all this complaining about not having auditions, and now im going to be battling lines from three shows, schoolwork, and pledging.

so, my classes this semester are great. my favorite is music therapy, mainly because of becky.

so, to go on about zeta. i love them, in their entirety. i put the idea of joining out of my head for such a long time, and then after playing charades, going to alyssa's house, and eating bagels with them today, i realized - there aren't caddy. they aren't cliquey. they laugh at my jokes, and accept me.

i really love them, and i hope i make it all the way through.


i have so many new friends: danielle, becky, kerri, liz, devinne, sophia, natalie, heather, kristin, alyssa, amanda... etc.